PTIJ: How can I halachically kill a vampire?
Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart.
The concern that I have is, our Sages teach us (Kiddushin 49b) that
דברים שבלב אינם דברים
things in the heart are not things
and therefore, seemingly as soon as the stake penetrates the vampires heart, it will cease to exist.
So how can I vanquish vampires if my stake will stop existing?
This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.
purim-torah-in-jest
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show 2 more comments
Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart.
The concern that I have is, our Sages teach us (Kiddushin 49b) that
דברים שבלב אינם דברים
things in the heart are not things
and therefore, seemingly as soon as the stake penetrates the vampires heart, it will cease to exist.
So how can I vanquish vampires if my stake will stop existing?
This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.
purim-torah-in-jest
3
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
1
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
1
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
4
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart.
The concern that I have is, our Sages teach us (Kiddushin 49b) that
דברים שבלב אינם דברים
things in the heart are not things
and therefore, seemingly as soon as the stake penetrates the vampires heart, it will cease to exist.
So how can I vanquish vampires if my stake will stop existing?
This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.
purim-torah-in-jest
Just to be safe, I've been reading up on how to vanquish a vampire. Never hurts to be too careful. From what I've read, it seems that many authorities agree that the simplest and surest way to kill a vampire is with a wooden stake through the heart.
The concern that I have is, our Sages teach us (Kiddushin 49b) that
דברים שבלב אינם דברים
things in the heart are not things
and therefore, seemingly as soon as the stake penetrates the vampires heart, it will cease to exist.
So how can I vanquish vampires if my stake will stop existing?
This question is Purim Torah and is not intended to be taken completely seriously. See the Purim Torah policy.
purim-torah-in-jest
purim-torah-in-jest
asked 23 hours ago
Y e zY e z
44.2k366197
44.2k366197
3
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
1
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
1
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
4
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
3
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
1
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
1
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
4
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago
3
3
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
1
1
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
1
1
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
4
4
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago
|
show 2 more comments
6 Answers
6
active
oldest
votes
A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.
Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.
So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.
Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.
add a comment |
There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.
Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
add a comment |
You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.
Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.
(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).
add a comment |
שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם.
Vampire pour his drink, that is blood of man, into his own body, so there is a mitsva to cause a great bleeding for him, a cardial hemorrhage by broking his heart with a wooden stake.
add a comment |
This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.
First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:
דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים
things in the heart don't speak.
During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.
So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.
So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.
I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.
add a comment |
Why do you need a stake? Cure him with a Nefesh HaChayim. You don't have to start with the segula in the third chapter; hearing any part of the Nefesh HaChayim will do.
add a comment |
6 Answers
6
active
oldest
votes
6 Answers
6
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
active
oldest
votes
A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.
Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.
So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.
Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.
add a comment |
A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.
Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.
So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.
Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.
add a comment |
A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.
Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.
So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.
Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.
A stake in Hebrew is a יתד, and as it says in Yishayahu, ותקעתיו יתד במקום נאמן, you need to stick the stake in a "trustworthy place". In Nechemya we find: ומצאת את לבבו נאמן. So it's obvious the torah is saying you need to stick the stake in the heart.
Now, the question is what to do about דברים שבלב, and the answer is that we do have a number of exceptions to the rule. One of those is having in mind to bring an offering to the Beit Hamikdash (shavuout 26b): גמר בלבו מנין ת"ל כל נדיב לב. -- even if you just have in mind to bring an offering, it is sufficient.
So, generally, when staking the vampire, make sure you are having in mind to bring him as an offering to the Beit Hamikdash, and you should be good to go.
Note: The pasuk כל נדיב לב specifically includes זהב וכסף ונחשת , etc. so you can bring the vampire as an offering of any type of metal, but most poskim agree that the מצוה מן המובחר is to have in mind to use silver, especially for vampires. As the Mishna says (Bava Kamma 1:3) שום כסף -- "Silver is like garlic", which we all know is good against vampires.
edited 14 hours ago
answered 14 hours ago
NicNic
2,514825
2,514825
add a comment |
add a comment |
There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.
Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
add a comment |
There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.
Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
add a comment |
There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.
Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.
There are a variety of ways to kill a vampire. The first thing to remember is that while there may not be "devarim" in the heart, you can still effect work in the heart by praying for the death of a vampire -- tefilla is avodah shebalev.
Additionally, one can burn them as the halachot of nosar-feratu read, Ba'eish tisrofu. Also, one can purify a house from the evil of a vampire by exposing the vampire to sun, or even to evening! (Uva Hashemesh Vetaher). You could cover it in silver, but I'm afraid that would appear like kisuf. Lastly, you can cut the head off but that lacks finesse and is just if you have to do a ראש job.
answered 16 hours ago
rosendsrosends
20.9k32672
20.9k32672
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
add a comment |
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
2
2
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
We learn from this that a vampire must be killed within 1 day if it's a sinning (chatat) vampire, but may be allowed to live for an extra day if the vampire is peaceful (shlamim)
– Daniel Kagan
14 hours ago
add a comment |
You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.
Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.
(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).
add a comment |
You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.
Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.
(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).
add a comment |
You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.
Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.
(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).
You can hand the vampire an uninteresting newspaper. There's historical precedent that doing so destroys evil.
Precedent: Yael gave Sisra the Yated and bored him to death.
(Credit to @Nic for reminding me of this old joke).
answered 13 hours ago
Salmononius2Salmononius2
3,5501128
3,5501128
add a comment |
add a comment |
שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם.
Vampire pour his drink, that is blood of man, into his own body, so there is a mitsva to cause a great bleeding for him, a cardial hemorrhage by broking his heart with a wooden stake.
add a comment |
שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם.
Vampire pour his drink, that is blood of man, into his own body, so there is a mitsva to cause a great bleeding for him, a cardial hemorrhage by broking his heart with a wooden stake.
add a comment |
שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם.
Vampire pour his drink, that is blood of man, into his own body, so there is a mitsva to cause a great bleeding for him, a cardial hemorrhage by broking his heart with a wooden stake.
שֹׁפֵךְ דַּם הָאָדָם בָּאָדָם דָּמוֹ יִשָּׁפֵךְ כִּי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים עָשָׂה אֶת הָאָדָם.
Vampire pour his drink, that is blood of man, into his own body, so there is a mitsva to cause a great bleeding for him, a cardial hemorrhage by broking his heart with a wooden stake.
edited 6 hours ago
answered 6 hours ago
koutykouty
14.7k31845
14.7k31845
add a comment |
add a comment |
This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.
First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:
דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים
things in the heart don't speak.
During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.
So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.
So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.
I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.
add a comment |
This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.
First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:
דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים
things in the heart don't speak.
During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.
So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.
So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.
I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.
add a comment |
This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.
First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:
דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים
things in the heart don't speak.
During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.
So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.
So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.
I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.
This is one instance where the Gemarah, apparently, contradicts modern medicine.
First of all, you didn't read the last word in that phrase correctly. The entire phrase is:
דברים שבלב אינם דֹבְרִים
things in the heart don't speak.
During a recent cardiology checkup, my doctor told me that I have a heart murmur. I asked him what my heart was saying and he said, he couldn't completely understand everything, but essentially it was saying that I have to lose weight.
So, the Gemarah is wrong by saying that things in the heart don't speak. In fact, they do, on occasion.
So, if you put a stake into a vampire, the hear will speak via the stake that's in it. Not exactly what you want.
I'm afraid there's not much you can do, because anything put into the heart will talk. The best you can do is put on headphones and try to ignore the murmuring.
answered 12 hours ago
DanFDanF
34.4k527127
34.4k527127
add a comment |
add a comment |
Why do you need a stake? Cure him with a Nefesh HaChayim. You don't have to start with the segula in the third chapter; hearing any part of the Nefesh HaChayim will do.
add a comment |
Why do you need a stake? Cure him with a Nefesh HaChayim. You don't have to start with the segula in the third chapter; hearing any part of the Nefesh HaChayim will do.
add a comment |
Why do you need a stake? Cure him with a Nefesh HaChayim. You don't have to start with the segula in the third chapter; hearing any part of the Nefesh HaChayim will do.
Why do you need a stake? Cure him with a Nefesh HaChayim. You don't have to start with the segula in the third chapter; hearing any part of the Nefesh HaChayim will do.
answered 2 hours ago
Zev SpitzZev Spitz
239211
239211
add a comment |
add a comment |
3
With all due respect, vampires aren't things either.
– Double AA♦
23 hours ago
1
@DoubleAA All due respect to the vampires?
– Y e z
23 hours ago
1
Related: judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/56021/…
– Isaac Moses♦
14 hours ago
Amateur nosferologist here: Generally staking a vampire will not destroy it, but only pin it in place. The extent of this weakness depends heavily on the vampire's clan and generation. Be prepared for the vampire to not go down quietly!
– Codes with Hammer
13 hours ago
4
I thought this was going to be about whether it is permitted to use a cross for pikuach nefesh
– wfb
12 hours ago