Csdrhrt

I'll try to be short. I landed the position of my dreams through someone who later became the reason I lost it. The fact that they hired me despite some of my shortcomings, made me think that they trust me growing up to the challenges and ultimately acknowledged me as someone with potential. I felt welcome and I relied on this welcoming attitude. But, it seems, I took things that weren't there for granted.

I tried to conform to expectations - including the expectation of keeping a healthy distance and respecting borders. Which was clearly expected.

Yet, although trying to keep interaction to a minimum, I needed advice on how to do my work from a person, who apparently thought, I'm going to be thought things by others. So after showing a lot of patience, I needed to push for certain answers. As I did, the patience I showed - which was clearly there, since I waited a week in regards to something that should have been cleared that day, just wasn't taken into account, and I ended up seen as being pushy. (Because why would you look at the big picture, if you can live solely in your own head?...)

In a desperate move, in a formal email that clearly tried to be constructively seeking progress, I tried to sneak in some informality to seem even more "relaxed" about it all and as a finishing touch asked something that pretty much literally was a friendly "Where's the hindrance?" in German. In other words, "what causes [this or you (being unspecified)] to be stuck". I did this in order to point at possible impediments as culprit - yet this has been taken the opposite way, as in: "where do you see impediments, as there clearly aren't any?" and effectively as: "How dare you having trouble with this" - which was as far from my intentions as possible. "Wo ha(c)kt's?" - Where's the impediment - is also close another expression that implies that someone does not quite roll as they should in their heads and could be translated as "are you stupid?". Except, I definitely didn't use that other expression.

So basically, because of reading into my text and other weird stuff that was basically her misreading me, she gradually barricaded herself. To her luck, I was willing to put up with that temporarily, and classified it all as her being busy and either way, whatever she's putting off, is also her responsibility to prioritize, and bottom line: I trust her.

By the time I realized I'm dealing with passive-aggressive non-sense, I was getting heat from someone else too - and the balance tipped thus enough against me, simply because I was being accused and also, for taking blame upon me, in order not to blame people who were actually at fault too much, because that doesn't make friends either.

I'd do anything to get this position back, but I'm completely lost as to how to explain myself, either to my previous employer, or to the one next in line potentially asking me what went wrong - since explaining myself means pointing out mistakes done by others, I end up blaming persons who's being understanding or compassionate, I imperatively need.

There is no bad blood between me and any previous colleagues, except there's always this implicit displeasure with talking about situations with conflicting views. Also, actually shedding light through lengthy explanations also works against me. Being concise and saying: "I didn't do anything wrong" won't change anyone's mind.

It's like a catch-22 trap that I walked into by not actually pushing for certainty and resolution immediately.

Alternatively, it's quite safe to assume that I was expected to "beg" for help over things that were her duty, just so that we establish who's the boss. Thinking that duty is enough reason to assume cooperation and not expecting dominance games to be at play - might be the reason I lost a job, I'd bend over backwards to get back.

This is a big company. Knocking on a higher floor might mean, someone is able to see they were unfair - but this also put's colleagues at blame.

Please advice.